Three years ago......

 

My mother passed away.

April is a month that will never be the same for me.  Today is the anniversary of her death and tomorrow would have been her 52nd birthday.  She was so young when she passed on.

Oddly enough, today didn't hit me as hard as it had in the past.  I did some major grieving and reminiscing last week, so perhaps that is why.  One day I broke down on the phone with a close friend and just cried and cried.  It really helped to get some things off of my chest.......things that I had already thought I had dealt with.

I know it will never be truly easy, but truly some days are easier.  They just are.  I get caught up in the bustle of life, especially with the babies, and some times it isn't so hard.  Some times I can remember her fondly, without crying, without tears, and without pain. 

But some days are not like that.

Some days I just long for my mother.  Only a person who has lost a mother could understand this I think.  And this means so much more to me now that I am a mother.  I want to be held and cuddled too.  Of course Jason does this for me, but my mom had a mothers touch.  She would brush my hair back from my face or touch my nose.  When I was a baby she rubbed my forehead to help me get to sleep.........so I rub the babies foreheads sometimes.

My mom was married for almost thirty years when she passed away.  She had two sisters and one brother.  In addition having me, she also had my brother Lenny.  She had so many people that loved her in her life and that knew her well.

But despite all these people, I'd like to believe that I knew her best.  I knew when she was in pain and sorrow and I knew when she was happy.  I know that even though she was dealt a hard life at times, she was a survivor. 

And what she may never know is how much she really did teach me.

When someone passes away suddenly you wonder about how much was left unsaid.  You question yourself, beat yourself up, grieve, and sometimes wonder "why?" 

I know that I will never get that answer in my lifetime.  But I also know and BELIEVE that my mother knows how much I love her.

How much I learned from her.

How much I miss her.

How much I would give to have one more day.

And so, because of my mother, I cherish every moment I have with my children.  I am not a perfect person or mother, but when I learn lessons, I learn them well. 

And so I say to those of you reading this, as I always do when I write about my mother--

Give extra hugs and kisses today, love a little longer and hold each other a little tighter. 

For you truly never know when it could end.

The sweetest kiss........

Today I was on major laundry duty.  With Jason just getting back into town and leaving again tomorrow I had some catching up to do.  Add in all of the twins new summer clothes that haven't been washed, plus their normal laundry and I am backed up.

So I was folding clothes in the family room while the babies were playing.  They love helping me do laundry:  each of them takes an article of clothing out of the basket, walks with it somewhere in the room and deposits the item and comes back for more.  I quit trying to get them to stop a long time ago.  They think they are helping mama and really, it's not a big deal.

Sammy got tired of taking clothes out of the basket and sat about five feet away from me.  But Sabrina, ever so diligently, continuously removed clothing from the basket.  On one of her rounds back to me she veered off for Sammy.

Lately they have gotten into wrestling (they both laugh hysterically) and tapping each others heads (I think they are trying to be nice, but it doesn't always come out that way).  So I am getting ready to break up a potential tiff. 

She sat down in front of him on her knees.  She crawled towards him.  I'm watching with curiosity, wondering what she is doing.  Then she half puckered, half opened her mouth and kept going in.

She was trying to give her brother a kiss.

In the history of sweetest things I have ever witnessed, that will be going on the top ten list.

I just love being a mama.

Welcome Home

 

Jason is home, safe and sound, thank goodness.

He arrived at metro around 5:00ish (am) and took a cab home.....so when he got home there was really only about 1 1/2-2 hours and then the twins would be up for the day.  He fell into bed, exhausted.

I had told him previously that he could get some extra sleep in and just come down and see them later.  So during their morning snack time, I heard daddy puttering down the stairs.

"Who's that?"  I asked Sam and Sabrina.  "Dada's home!"  I exclaimed.

They both got little smiles on their faces when I said that.  But when they saw Jason if they could have unbuckled themselves out of their chairs and ran to them, they would have.  Their smiles stretched from ear to ear.  They were beyond excited to see their daddy.

I got Sammy out first and he clung on to Jason like he never has.  His head rested on his fathers shoulder and he smiled while he talked to him.  Sabrina was letting it known that she wanted to see her dada too.  "Dadoo!  Dadoo!"  she yelled.  She got her hugs in also and clung on to daddy.

As we were laying them down for their morning nap not longer after, I could sense Jason's sadness.  He loves his job and he is providing for his family, making leaps and bounds in his career.  But as we were putting them to sleep he said,

"You have no idea different they look."

Sure this was hard for me, doing this pretty much alone for the past two weeks.  I relied on friends and family.  But I did feel for my sweet hubby, being away from me and his two babies.  He's right, they don't look different to me.  But I understand completely what he means.

He was worried that they would forget who he was.  I think all of that was erased with the excitement they showed when they saw him and clung on to him all day long.

Welcome home, dada.  We missed you dearly.

I can't sleep

It is 3:00 AM here and I cannot sleep.  I have tossed and turned since going to bed a little after 11:00.  My mind starts to race and I start thinking about all things.  I need to stop.

Sabrina had her arm caught in the crib, so I took it out for her and snuggled with her a bit before putting her back to bed.  But now she is in bed and Sammy, and I'm still up.

My niece is spending the night and she is tucked in sleeping also.  The dogs are sleeping.  Jason is sleeping in Seattle.  What gives?

While I am up I thought I would share a cute little story.  As I mentioned in a previous post, the anniversary of my mom's death is nearing.  The month April will never be the same for me.  Always around this time little things start happening that make me question things.  I STRONGLY feel her presence.....and just weird stuff happens.  Like one year after her death her wedding ring that we couldn't find ANYWHERE mysteriously pops up.....one year later.

Anyhow, what happened today was more cute than weird.  I was coloring with Lexi after the babies went to sleep and we were drawing pictures.  She made one of me with a flower on one side and a tree on the other.  She knows I like nature.

I asked her which tree that was.  She replied it's your special tree planted at Gram Gram's. I told her she was right.  I said, "That's Bousha's tree." (That's what she called my mom) She asked why and I told her that the year that Bousha went to heaven was the very same year the tree bloomed it's first flowers.  It wasn't supposed to bloom that soon--it is a Wisteria and sometimes they take years to bloom.

So she looked at me and said, "Why did Bousha have to go to heaven?"

Break. My. Heart.  This precious, sweet, and innocent child asking the most precious, sweet, and innocent question.

I mustered all the strength I could in that moment and pulled back the tears that wanted to flow.  I smiled at her and said, "Sometimes, it's just time for people to go to heaven."

She was content with that.

The truth is, I'm glad she was content with that answer.  Number one, I'm not her mom and I don't know how her mom would want that question answered.  And number two, I couldn't think that fast! 

But that simple answer was good enough for a six year old for the time being.  And truth be told, sometimes, I wish I could be content with simple answers too. 

On that note, I'm going to bed.

Kind people vs. rude

 

I needed to pick something up at a store today, so I gave the babies an afternoon bath (we would be home late) and we were off.  Now going into a store might seem simple if you are childless.  Add one in and you have a little bit more to carry.  Add two and not only do you have more to carry, but there is just the plain logistics of getting them out of the car and into the store safely.

I am paranoid of kidnappers, so I have a system.  I get all of the stuff out and onto/into the stroller first.  Then I pull the stroller to one side and take out baby #1 and get baby #1 all buckled.  Then I pull the stroller to the other side and do the same.....although my leg is usually wrapped around the stroller to make sure no one kidnaps baby #1 while I am getting baby #2.  It's a grand time.

Anyway, today I got Sabrina out first.  Or, I was attempting to get her out.  Mind you, it's raining a bit.  A car pulls up next to me and the driver just looks at me.  Okay.  I shut the door to let her park.  Well, Sabrina is half way unbuckled so as soon as the woman parked I hurried up to get her.  The woman STILL opens her door (she can't wait ONE minute?) and makes some sort of comment as she goes.  What is wrong with people?

Honestly, I don't expect people to ohhh and ahhh over the babies (although most do :)).  I don't expect people to do me favors.  Heck, I don't even expect people to open the darn door when I am struggling with the double stroller.  I guess I just expect people to keep their comments to themselves and wait ONE minute in their WARM car so I can get my baby out.  Really. 

While this annoyed me, I still went on my merry way.  People still smiled at them and ohhhed and ahhhed over the babies. 

But later, my faith in humanity was restored.  As I was driving in the rain one of my windshield wipers quit working completely.  It was hard to see because of the rain.  So I pulled over to find that the wiper was removed from the thing (I do NOT know the technical name) that holds it on.  I tried to get the wiper back on, but it was too high....so it was essentially going OFF of the car.  Seriously, you should have seen me.  I looked like an idiot trying to pull the wiper off calling everyone I knew to help me.

I bit the bullet and asked a man nearby to help me.  And help me he did.  He pulled off the wiper, fixed it, shook my hand and wished me well getting the babies home. 

It was an act of kindness that reminded me how nice people really can be sometimes. 

It was so needed.

So tomorrow, do something nice for someone.  Make it "Rachel's Nice Deed Day."  Trust me, you'll make someone's day better.

Tears of Joy

Today, I cried tears of sadness and of joy.

Always around this time of year, I start to think more and more about my mother.  I think of her on a daily basis, but when it nears the anniversary of her birth and death I become more emotional, quite understandably.

I was thinking about her as I was driving home from visiting a friend.  A song came on the radio that has great meaning to me and when I hear it, I instantly think of my mother.  As I drove, happy memories flooded my head about my mom.  Simple memories that may have only been special to me or her......but I think those are the best sort of memories.

I glanced in my rearview--as I do about one hundred times a day with the babies in the car, and instantly my thoughts went to them not knowing my mother.  That made me sad and of course, the sad tears followed.  I didn't want to be sad today so I brushed my tears away and refocused myself. 

Once at home we settled into our normal routine.  While dinner was finishing I was playing with the babies in the family room.  Sammy took about three steps just a few weeks ago, but nothing we would really count as walking.  He was standing next to me holding my hand and I let him walk out away from the couch. 

In the next moment, he let go of my hand and proceeded to walk a considerable distance across the room.  As he was doing his wobbly walk I was screaming from the rooftops, "Go Sammy, GO!" 

He had the biggest smile on his face and just kept going.  He really WALKED.  And in that moment, a moment that only a parent could understand, I cried tears of happiness.  I cried for my little boy who just moved one more step away from babyhood.  I cried for him being so proud of himself.  I cried happy tears, tears of joy.  And I scooped him up in my arms and smothered him with kisses of  love and affection.  We of course called daddy immediately!

He did this many more times this evening, perfecting his new skill.  Within an hour (and no, I'm not kidding), he figured out how to get to standing without help from a wall, couch, or person.  I predict it will only be a few days that he will be just as good of a walker as Sabrina.

As I reflect on the great successes of the day, I feel JOY because even though that this might sound silly to others, I felt my mother in the family room with me today.  She may not ever be able to hold or kiss the babies, but she will know them, just from a different place.  She has already touched them, through me, in ways that she may not even know.

So while I'm human and my tears of sadness will sometimes come, today the tears of joy prevailed.  And those are the tears that I ALWAYS prefer.

My Sabrina.

 

 

I dedicated an entire blog to Sammy the other day and in case anyone was wondering, of course I planned to do one for my little girl too.

So here it is.........

My Sabrina.

My Sabrina was born at 2:37 am on March 2nd, 2008.  She was the second born, but she was not to be outdone.  Her personality has shown through right since the start.  No one really thought she looked like me when she was born, and I agreed.  She seemed to have red tinted hair and none of us knew where that came from.  The closest person that she bore her a resemblance too was her Papa, my father.  I came across one of his baby pictures not too long after she was born and I thought....."Oh!  That's who she looks like!"

 

 

My Sabrina, has always been independent.....I would daresay even from the womb.  She was on my left side during the pregnancy and every now and then she would get a little quiet.  I would push on my belly or move around to try and get her to kick.  She would give me a strong kick to the side as if to say, "Leave me alone already!"

Her independence continued right on from birth.  In the beginning, she expressed this with her lungs.  Her very loud lungs.  She was not a patient girl.  I will always remember that her cry was so sharp and ear piercing!  If she needed to be fed or changed, it needed to happen within a moment or she would let us have it.

My Sabrina will cuddle on her terms.  She will come to me (or daddy) when she is ready to.  She is not one to be pushed.  Oh, but she does still like to cuddle.  I won't tell her I shared her little secret.  She'll be walking by and give me a quick peck on the lips or a quick hug and be off.  And sometimes, when she doesn't think I'm looking at her, she's looking at me......watching and observing.

 

My Sabrina has a wonderful and contagious laugh.  If it's something she finds particularly amusing she has the biggest and best belly laugh.....one of those laughs that builds up and would make anyone else in the room laugh too.  She enjoys especially laughing with her Sammy.....they play peek a boo with each other......one of her favorite games.

And in the same note, if she is feeling particularly moody and something ticks her off, she can whip up the tears as fast as she could smile.  The tears usually stem from Sammy stealing a toy from her or us removing her from a potentially dangerous situations.  She has an unusual affection for computer cords and small things on the floor that the vacuum or I have missed.  We're working to find her other hobbies.

 

But this week, while Sammy has been having a tough time, my Sabrina has not.  It's almost as if she knows that I am on my own with them.  She goes to sleep without issue and when Sammy has needed me she occupies herself with a toy.  That she can express empathy and understanding at the age of one truly boggles my mind.  But she does, she really does.

So when I have that extra special one on one time with either one of them, I take it in a heartbeat.  It doesn't matter if I have laundry to do or dishes to wash.  I take my special moments when they come.  And when I put Sammy to bed tonight after she had already been down for twenty minutes, I looked over and she opened her eyes.  She reached up for me and I stole that moment.  I rocked and sang her to sleep while she held on to my neck and played with my nose.

She wanted to cuddle.

Really, could I ever tell her no?

She is, after all, my Sabrina.

My Sammy.

My Sammy.

My Sammy was born at 2:36 am on March 2nd, 2007. He was born first of the two and slightly bigger. Even upon birth he bore a very close resemblance to his daddy. Everyone joked that it was really Jason's head upon a little body. He had a head full of dark locks and big, beautiful, and bright blue eyes.

My Sammy has always been a snuggler. He is (and always has been) quite content to crawl upon my lap and let me snuggle him for as long as I need. And my dear Sammy has always been so patient.....waiting his turn if his sister needed something first. He has already shown that he is quite the gentlemen......even at the age of one.

My Sammy though, does have a voice if something bothers him enough. If he has had enough of the carrots at lunch or wants more carrots at lunch, he'll tell you. We've been working on signs with him, but he still pretty much likes to use his outdoor voice for indoor talking.

My Sammy has the biggest smile one could ever hope for from a baby. His face lights up and his mouth opens wide. Almost always, he lets out a little giggle. When this baby smiles, you can't help but smile too. A bad day can be turned around instantaneously with a smile of his. Luckily, he gives me (and daddy) as many smiles as we could ask for in a day. From the moment upon his wakening, to the moment upon sleep, he is a happy boy.

Up until this week.

Don't get me wrong, he still is a happy boy, but since I'm a first time mom here, I have to guess. I'm guessing we are near the all-to-familiar separation anxiety. I don't know else how to explain it. Every other night he has no problem going to sleep and last night it took over an hour. He completely skipped his afternoon nap today and still didn't go to actual sleep until 9:00, and I had been holding him for close to an hour. He doesn't want to go in his high chair, eat much or be put down at all. Which would not be a problem if he was a singleton, but as well all know, he is not.

Honestly, I think my little Sammy knows that daddy is gone( on business!). People may say that is crazy, but too many behaviors coincide and I really don't believe that this is teething. I could be wrong, but my gut tells me that he is smart enough to know that something has changed. And perhaps he has picked up on my emotions a little bit too.

In any event, I'll just keeping snuggling and loving on my sensitive little boy.

He is, after all, my Sammy.

And it starts

Today the twins and I dropped Jason off at the airport today. Of course we were both bummed. Two weeks is a long time. After we gave him hugs and kisses I took the babies on a long ride so they could get their afternoon nap in.......we kept them up from their afternoon one so daddy could play with them just a bit longer before he had to go.

He has had to travel for business before, but never for this long. I'm the tough gal, with the "I can do it" attitude. The truth is, I have to keep myself busy every second trying not to think that we haven't gotten through a whole day yet. And with twins, keeping busy is pretty easy.

Babe--I know you're gonna be reading this, but be forewarned--it's all about you! :)

It's funny how he has only been gone a few hours, yet I am missing him so much. After the babies went to bed (not easily tonight, I might add), I cleaned up the kitchen, tossed a load of laundry in, and was getting ready to take out the trash when I popped on here. I feel like I don't know what to do with myself. And like I mentioned, it's not even one full day.

I really have to give it up to people who travel so much away from their family. More travel is a possibility in the future with his job, but we will have the option to go with him later on. I really can't imagine having a husband in the military who would have to be away for long periods of time. I gotta give those wives and families so much credit.

It's not that I can't do the job of taking care of the babies, dogs, and house......it just feels that a part of me is missing. I'm a little lonely already, isn't that funny?

Okay, I better stop before I get overly emotional.

But I love and miss you my hubby......my fruitcake. (inside joke there for others wondering)