Three years ago......

 

My mother passed away.

April is a month that will never be the same for me.  Today is the anniversary of her death and tomorrow would have been her 52nd birthday.  She was so young when she passed on.

Oddly enough, today didn't hit me as hard as it had in the past.  I did some major grieving and reminiscing last week, so perhaps that is why.  One day I broke down on the phone with a close friend and just cried and cried.  It really helped to get some things off of my chest.......things that I had already thought I had dealt with.

I know it will never be truly easy, but truly some days are easier.  They just are.  I get caught up in the bustle of life, especially with the babies, and some times it isn't so hard.  Some times I can remember her fondly, without crying, without tears, and without pain. 

But some days are not like that.

Some days I just long for my mother.  Only a person who has lost a mother could understand this I think.  And this means so much more to me now that I am a mother.  I want to be held and cuddled too.  Of course Jason does this for me, but my mom had a mothers touch.  She would brush my hair back from my face or touch my nose.  When I was a baby she rubbed my forehead to help me get to sleep.........so I rub the babies foreheads sometimes.

My mom was married for almost thirty years when she passed away.  She had two sisters and one brother.  In addition having me, she also had my brother Lenny.  She had so many people that loved her in her life and that knew her well.

But despite all these people, I'd like to believe that I knew her best.  I knew when she was in pain and sorrow and I knew when she was happy.  I know that even though she was dealt a hard life at times, she was a survivor. 

And what she may never know is how much she really did teach me.

When someone passes away suddenly you wonder about how much was left unsaid.  You question yourself, beat yourself up, grieve, and sometimes wonder "why?" 

I know that I will never get that answer in my lifetime.  But I also know and BELIEVE that my mother knows how much I love her.

How much I learned from her.

How much I miss her.

How much I would give to have one more day.

And so, because of my mother, I cherish every moment I have with my children.  I am not a perfect person or mother, but when I learn lessons, I learn them well. 

And so I say to those of you reading this, as I always do when I write about my mother--

Give extra hugs and kisses today, love a little longer and hold each other a little tighter. 

For you truly never know when it could end.